Wednesday, November 03, 2010

The End of a Love Hate Relationship

I have to tell the truth. There is another woman in my life. Don’t worry. My wife, a very understanding and open person, knows about her. This woman who has been with me for years has helped me so much. She is knowledgeable, precise, and articulate and has the patience of Job. Nevertheless, she can also be a source of utter frustration. In fact, I have decided that I am going to end my relationship with her. I would rather spend this time with a man.

The woman in question is locked inside my GPS. There she remains ready at a moment’s notice to help me find my way. She has an Australian accent (I programmed her that way since it makes me feel cosmopolitan as I drive around southern Ohio), but that will soon change.

My decision to end this relationship comes after completing a recent road trip to the east coast. Don’t get me wrong, she was always there. She offered her directions. But her inflexibility is nothing short of maddening. Here is an example.

I have taken this same trip several times. Since it requires that I get to West Virginia, I have found that taking the AA Highway from Alexandria, KY to Grayson, KY, a diagonal route through Kentucky, is better than routing through Lexington or southern Ohio. She strongly disagrees. As I drove on the AA highway, she continued to try to get me back into Ohio. I think she may be “on the take” from the Ohio Chamber of Commerce.

I think that the most irritating thing about her is her patient but condescending tone. Her mantra “Recalculating …make a U–turn in .5 miles” is still burning in my ears. I figure that it is time for a change so I am going to let her go and program my GPS with a guy’s voice and see if that helps.

I think my wife will be relieved; she was beginning to question my sanity as I continued a dialogue, often heated, with “Sweetie.” That’s right; I do have to call her something. So I have to decide if my new best friend will be an American or not. Perhaps if I make him a German our relationship will be better. I don’t speak German. “Thanks for the advice, Günter, but I am taking the AA highway anyway.”



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